kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.