kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
#merica
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Just how popey was the pope today?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win