Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Coffee is ready.

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed