Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

we’re dead?

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards