Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

What’s this sorcery? 😂

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

one week till the election

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone