Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

3% human
97% stress

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.