Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

why I oughta

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…