[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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A classic…
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Super Hand Dog Face
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”