[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
mom had nothing to worry about
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.