@TheToddWilliams

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

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@robdelaney

Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.

@OakHill_

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

@LosLos__

And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.

But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

@RoxiieHart

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@bartandsoul

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

@ArfMeasures

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes