Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.
But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.
HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes