Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

If you are reading this then you are reading this

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.