Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

consequences, the bane of my existence

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.