Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

good news everyone

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man