Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
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Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.