Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.