Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

So that’s what we looked like?

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.