Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM