Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you