[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
just leave it at the foot of the bed
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”