Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Bike is short for Bichael.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.