[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
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My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Every time my phone rings
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
When he asks for feet pics
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”