Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

#math

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters