Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what