Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

where the womens at?

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything