scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
#ParentingFacts
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Hmmmmm
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.