Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.