kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
how much for the angry fruit?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
I only treason on days ending in y
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
The game has officially changed 😎
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.