kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.