kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.