kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition