kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
same but as an audience member
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?