I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy