Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.
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My fathers wife bought a “Christian cookbook” I didn’t even know they had different recipes, I’ve been eating sin all along.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
person: I like your name
me: thanks, I got it for my birthday
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?