@AdderallMomma

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

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@DeanOkay

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this

@Ohgoddessitsme

My fathers wife bought a “Christian cookbook” I didn’t even know they had different recipes, I’ve been eating sin all along.

@WheelTod

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

@tchrquotes

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

@EndhooS

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

@RodLacroix

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@KrystiPryde

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

@jctwritesstuff

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas