My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.