You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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*aggressively waits in line*
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Incredible customer service.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes