Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.
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*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*