@seanyeatts

Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.

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@abhorrent_wife

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

@romiza_

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

@jwoodham

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

@Catherinee_Jeff

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

@nonchalantnacho

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

@JeffJSays

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

@ch000ch

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

@2tickytacky

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

@TheBoydP

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently