Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder