kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.