kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.