Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
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Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”