Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

same vibe as tangled headphones

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.