Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.