Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

This is my bus stop.

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

peak technology

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired