Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
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I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
lmao
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them