Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Animal poetry
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music