Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.