Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
You Might Also Like
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Things will get butter, keep churning
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.