Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

I can’t stop laughing at this

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.