Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips