Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

She was REALLY feeling it.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”