Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

the duality of man

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming