I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
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7: can I have a pop tart?
Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon
7: this will be my dinner
Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one
My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss…
We don’t know each other’s name.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.
*goes down on escalator
Escalator: I have a boyfriend
Boss: Is… everyone here?
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there
I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it’s the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at