Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not recommended for beginners.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?