Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.