Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

When you can’t find your friend Neil

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

when someone compliments me

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff