Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”