Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!