Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.