Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not alone. I have ants.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

this is so top tier i cant

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why