Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*