Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift