Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*