[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
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Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds