[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
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Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Siri, fight Alexa.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Can confirm.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys