Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker