Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

What about a To-Don’t List?

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.