Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.