Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻