karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.