Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”