Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.