Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.