Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
they finally got him. they got macavity
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.