Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken