Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

Frankenstein?

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.