Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

That de-escalated quickly

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?