Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight