Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

is this a warning or an offer?

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.