Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Breaking news:

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?