Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,