Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
