Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

Midwest trash talk

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

Talk about a bad egg

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.