Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
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My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.